Morgan Wallen Is Now Bald, Crazy Plane Lady Is An Instagram Star, Garrett Wilson Mocks Sean Payton & Fact-Checking Joe’s Florida Trip

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We’re not at Augusta in April, but it’s Moving Day here at Dean HQ in the great, big, beautiful state of Florida. Well, actually Moving Day Eve.

That’s right. I’ve got movers on the docket tomorrow morning and a house that’s in absolute shambles right now. I say that because we’re gonna get to the damn point today because me and my full head of hair have things to do.

Looking at you, Morgan Wallen.

Anyone see that? Jarring stuff. If you haven’t, you will in a minute. If you have, just look at it again and quit your complaining.

It’s a brand new week and, somehow, we’re in the middle of August already. Don’t know how that happened, but I love it. The quicker we get through this month the better, because football is in the air.

I can smell it, ever so slightly. It ain’t ready yet — we’re baking this bad boy on low so we don’t burn it — but she’s close.

So, yeah — let’s hurry this month up so we can get to #PumpkinSpiceSZN football season.

We’re gonna talk about bald Morgan Wallen today, along with the crazy plane lady — who I am ALL IN on. She’s welcome to Nightcaps whenever she wants and anyone who doesn’t like her can kindly get the hell out. I’d go to battle with this broad any day of the week.

We’re also going to take a page out of Screencaps’ notebook today and talk about ANOTHER new Florida reporter that rivals Aileen Hnatiuk, make fun of Russell Wilson even though the Cardinals pussed out, and maybe even check in with Garrett Wilson — my new favorite player in the NFL.

I’ve got boxes to tape and backs to break — let’s ride.

Bald Morgan Wallen stuns the internet

Actually, my back is so far OK. My left shoulder is already dragging and we haven’t even started moving the heavy stuff.

I’ve had three shoulder surgeries in my life — two on the left and one on the right. True story. I like to tell people that’s why I was a D3 baseball player instead of D1, but between you and me that’s a lie. Good to have that built-in excuse at parties, though.

OK, here’s Mulletless Morgan Wallen, who most definitely does not need built-in excuses to pick up girls at a party.

Morgan Wallen doesn’t care what people think, unlike the Cardinals

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — Morgan Wallen is the only person I’ve seen somehow completely avoid being canceled. Thought it was for sure gonna happen a few years back and instead he’s become the biggest country singer on the planet.

You think he cares what you think about his bald head? No shot. He’ll go home and count his benjamins to cope. Also –I’ll be honest with you — I also thought he was worth a lot more than $12 million when I typed that, but upon looking, that’s where his net worth is at the moment.

Seems low, doesn’t it? Interesting.

OK, where were we? Oh yeah, Morgan not caring what the mob thinks. The Arizona Cardinals, however, do.

And it’s a damn shame.

In case you missed it, the Cards sent out an absolute HOF tweet after beating Russell Wilson and the Broncos in Friday’s preseason opener, and then later deleted it because I guess people thought it was mean?

I don’t know, but it was hilarious and whoever hit send deserves a raise immediately. Whoever took it down probably needs to lighten the hell up a bit.

Don’t worry, the internet’s undefeated when it comes to trying to erase things:

Crazy plane lady is a warrior

Cannot believe they deleted that masterpiece. Bet you it was Sean Payton or Russ who demanded it be taken down, too.

They don’t call it the No Fun League for no reason, you know.

Now, let’s use that as an easy transition into Crazy Plane Lady (CPL), who took the world by storm earlier this month by yelling at an invisible person on her flight and walking through the airport telling people don’t get on the plane.

Over the weekend, she reappeared to apologize for her actions, and then — BAM — returned to Instagram Monday morning!

I gotta say — I think I’m all in. This cat may be a little out there, but she’s apparently already pouncing on her newfound fame by launching a new project, with a new website, and has some fire Instagram pics.

Is Crazy Plane Lady the Paige Spiranac of Crazy Plane Ladies? Don’t know for sure yet, but I think we’re well on our way.

Garrett Wilson trolls Sean Payton and is now my favorite player

#FreeTiffany!

I’ll be honest, I haven’t really followed that story too much beyond watching the initial video, but Nightcaps zigs when everyone else zags, so once people started ganging up on Tiffany Gomas I knew I had to step in.

Plus, she reactivated her social media accounts today, which further sucked me in. All that being said, there is less than 0% chance I’d get on that plane if Tiffany here was at my gate. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

I don’t mess with that sort of thing. Even if she was/is crazy, what harm is an extra few hours in the airport gonna do to me?

Now, let’s get back to football, where Jets WR Garrett Wilson stuffed Sean Payton in a body bag over his insanely stupid and petty sideline rules for preseason games.

Florida has a new LeBron and Wade connection

Hey, Sean Payton — maybe win another Super Bowl before banning Gilligan hats? Just a thought. What’s it been now? 15 years almost? Just a thought.

God, Denver seems like just a miserable place to be right now. You’ve got Russell Wilson doing airplane aerobics in the sky and Sean Payton banning any semblance of fun on the ground.

Miserable.

I’m waaaaaaaaay more of a Mike McDaniel guy, obviously. Tua/McDaniel over Payton/Russ any damn day of the week.

Speaking of Miami — we probably need to address the new connection down here. Screencaps and Nightcaps have hit on both of these girls over the past few months, but it’s a good time for a refresher with football season right around the corner.

Screencaps wrote about former Saints reporter Aileen Hnatiuk starting her new job in Tampa this morning, and I want to reintroduce new Dolphins reporter Sara Cardona to the Nightcaps folks.

Together, these two make an absolutely unreal 1-2 punch in the Sunshine State, and they’re best friends off the field to boot.

We really are blessed down here.

Iowans weren’t ready for Vivek Ramaswamy and fact-checking Joe’s Florida trip

Couple quickies while I wait for this daily 2 p.m. Florida summer storm to pass so I can go back to moving houses in even more humid weather.

We’ll stay in Florida for the first one, where Joe Kinsey just returned from a week-long vacation.

Sounds like Joe enjoyed his stay in the Sunshine state, although he did a lot of complaining about the heat. Typical foreigner move. This is called Monday in Florida, Joe. We’re built different down here.

Here’s an abbreviated recap from his time do here, copy and pasted straight from Screencaps. The bold parts are my fact-checks.

Florida traffic lights are way too long. I don’t know how you guys do it down there. This is 100% true. They are truly the worst. I’ve had many 5-minute trips across town turn into 30-minute nightmares. I’m a big proponent of speeding through yellow lights. You almost have to survive down here.

Is there something written into the Florida constitution that requires: (1.) a Publix at every intersection; (2.) Strip malls must be constructed on every single inch of Florida property not covered with a condo building. Don’t you dare speak ill of Publix. Those are fighting words down here. I wish we had even more and I think I have two in a 2-mile radius. You can never have enough. As for the strip malls, no argument here. They’re pointless and an eyesore. Guaranteed to find at least one Chinese restaurant in them, too.

We need to have a national conversation on bringing back tourist traps that aren’t Bucee’s. What happened to the Florida of my youth? What happened to the fruit stands? Enough with the concrete condo buildings. This was clearly a result of being in too much of a tourist town. There’s a guy about a mile down the road from me who has a fruit stand outside his house that’s replenished every day and just says “Honor System” on it. That’s #MyFlorida.

How is Dan’s Fan City still in business when Lowe’s and Home Depot can just undercut Dan? Love Dan’s. Excellent fan options.

 I was wandering around the Altitude indoor trampoline park inside what appears to be a former Best Buy in Bradenton when I came around the corner and saw an old timer knuckle deep up his left nostril while enjoying a massage chair. It was so damn perfect. Not a care in the world. God, I love this state. It’s the best.

PS: We used to play some spring break games at the Pirates’ park over in Bradenton back in college. Had some of my finest moments there, including a legged out triple in my final-at bat there my senior year with a bad hammy.

We lost 14-2 and I couldn’t walk the next day, but you bet your ass I was gonna be able to tell my kids about it one day.

Probably would’ve been a home run if it weren’t for those three shoulder surgeries, though.

Here’s presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy rapping Eminem to a bunch of unsuspecting — and unimpressed — Iowans to take us into the week.

Let’s go have one.

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

Could Vivek beat bald Morgan Wallen in a rap battle? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.

Presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy breaks out into live rap performance at Iowa State Fair, gets zero reaction from crowd. 🦗🦗🦗🦗 (Video: C-SPAN) pic.twitter.com/kccuJv6zWj

— Mike Sington (@MikeSington) August 12, 2023

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